Reenactment- lovers' tragic cycle

Reenactment- lovers' tragic cycle

Once a victim now a murderer

I, once stood in your place with

My stolen soul, my hindered heart

And my faint faith unable to fight

Alone in the battle field,

Creating a cause but feeling no effect

Giving your entirety,

Without realizing its gravity.

Loving and not being loved

All that adulation is in vain

I recognize that face; I know that pain.

Now, I am your murderer.

You are a tragedy no one could save.

Once you realize who I am; it will be too late.

All I can do now is ask you not to think of me as heartless

As I stab and look into your eyes

I see my reflection in you and relive the pain

Because just like you I was once the victim

But, now I am the murderer

Family

They say blood is thicker than water, maybe that’s why it is so lethal. It is dense in its value. Everyone thinks family is the most important thing. We are reminded again and again… “family comes first” or…”your family will always be there for you.” I wish that were true. If it were, maybe there wouldn’t be so many serial killers who decide to lash out and kill because their parents hated the site of them and treated them like crap, maybe children can go sleep without the fear of seeing their father/mother/uncle/cousin/brother come in their room to touch them, maybe men would not paint the walls red with their wives blood when they swing their hands across the same face they fell for and call it love. Blood is thicker than water and worse than poison.

Fear for us

Fear for us
I am from Venus
He is from Mars
I think today of tomorrow's plans
He thinks the world is an ocean
And in each rhythmic wave
He floats
But I don't rock that boat
Because in the ocean
there is commotion
There are sharks and storms
Floats can burst
Boats can sink
So I rather stay in dry land
Where gravity keeps me grounded

I fear for us
He is a man who dreams of his destination
But has no idea of his direction
I am a woman with a laid out plan
And an ambitious mind
And I fear that he might not keep up
But even though he is from Mars
And doesn’t know what he wants
And I am from Venus
With ambitious plans
I like to dance
To the rhythm his waves of uncertainty
But I must walk further in to land
Far from the shore
And the father I walk
The less the rhythms are heard

Pen & Paper

Pen & paper
The ink is my blood
The paper my flesh
My heart beats
My pen moves following it rhythm
As the pen’s ink disperse into the paper flesh
I feel my blood flow
With every break made in a period
I inhale and breathe and let the oxygen in
The letters are cells
The words are tissues
The phrases are organs
The sentences are systems
Collectively creating a life
I give birth every time I write
My children are not all the same
They take different shapes and have different meanings
But when you look at them
You see me

....Along the line...

A long the line….
It started with African kings and queens. They lived in a rich lands filled with gold, oil, and fertile soil. Their riches expanded beyond the material things. They were beautiful. They had gorgeous, dark brown skin and thick, curly, brunette hair. Then, men with no shades or color came with machines that instilled fear in people. Kings and Queens became peasants with no voices. Their lives were no longer theirs. They were sent away in ships of thousands where some died along the way. Those who made it through the journey ended in strange lands they never seen. There, they were slaves. They were not the only ones being oppressed. Apparently, the colorless men took over another land that did not belong to them. Just like them, the indigenous named Mayans, were robbed of their home by the very same visitors they welcomed with open arms. Sadness and oppression united the Mayans and the Africans. Together, they comfort each other through the tough time exchanging cultures, traditions and views.
Generations later, a young woman in her earliest twenties met a young man of the same rich dark brown skin and thick, curly, black, hair. She was different. She was lighter, her hair was silkier, her eyes lighter. Their encounter was surprising and sudden, but expected. I don’t know whether it was faith or pure coincidence, but I like to think it was premeditated by God. Their strong emotions for each other resulted in the creation of a wonderful creature, but one was not enough. The young couple shared the same opinion God did when creating Adam. This lovely creature needed a companion. And along the line, I came along. I was like an archaeological artifact. My features where like the insides or a tree trunk. I molded into different shapes of her and him and their mother, father, cousins, sister, and grandmother. Till this day, my chameleon powers seem to show up among my family.
My face took different forms along with my interest and personality. As a toddler I was quiet and hardly ever gave people the pleasure to see me to see me smile. Then as a preteen I manage to attract some attention and became addicted. Modeling around the halls of my aunt’s home, wearing the cool, pink, plastic, Barbie doll slippers my father sent me from the United States. I wanted to let the world know of my beauty. I wanted to live a glamorous life style where all eyes would be on me. I enjoyed transforming myself with clothes and begged for makeup.
But somehow along the lines between the trip from Honduras and the United States, my confidence managed to get lost. I became more quiet and timid. After a dreadful summer, forced to read books and write book reports simply because my parents said I needed the practice. If you asked me, I think they just wanted to see how long it would take before I shot myself. Fortunately, it did not come to that. In fact, as much as I hate to admit it; it was because of that dreadful summer I discovered the joy of traveling to a different universe through words and ever since I become a constant traveler. I learned that the world was not two dimensional. There were more to life than clothes and beauty. There were ideas, ideas that could create tears, pain, wars, segregation but also peace, laughter, happiness, and justice. There were no restrictions, either. It was not like voting; you did not have to wait till you were twenty-one or a citizen. Anyone could have an idea. So I did. I also borrowed, learned, read, and heard them. Turned out they were always there, and they were everywhere. I took interest in them. Along the line our relationship grew stronger. We shared a connection. Just like me, it took different forms and sometimes agreed with people and other times did not. I fell in love.
I became an idea. The idea that spoke in the voices of the former African Queens and Kings that showed that although the colorless man may have taken their land, they could never take their beauty, pride and customs. The idea that spoke in the voices of the Mayans that showed that even through the betrayal of the colorless men, they could still maintain a warm heart and extend their hands to help someone in need. The idea that declared, that even though they were tormented, dehumanized, and belittled, they never lost faith. They were stronger. Machines could not defeat them. They knew their true value. They were the owners of their life. An idea so powerful and so old, I like to think, I was one all along.

I found...me

I found...me
Silly you might think
But I was trapped in misery
I was kidnapp so suddenly
That their malice I could not see
They changed me
I was not me to be

I was theirs
And night after night I had nightmare so bad I'd pull out all my hair
They lashed out all their rage like 2 laced lazos connected by nails 
The lazo leaping to my back & the nails ripping of my skin was more tolerable than their disturbed urge to hear my painful screams
I tried to ignore it & dream
Of better days that God would soon bring
But as the days pass happiness grew more distant & misery accompany me
Love left without a goodbye & took serenity
Anger step in and took form of bigotry
I stood before a mirror staring at a site no one should have to see
The body staring back was mine or so it seemed 
But the person looking back was not me
I did not have much left but crums of sanity
I could not live life like this and still claim it was me
So I found my way & exist misery
Let hope's light hit my eyes to brighten the dark path I could not see
And got rid of bigotry
I grew stronger & wiser and fought for my liberty

Don't ask me to Trust You

I built a big, thick shield
With a hard exterior
It surrounds me, the whole 360
You won’t see it at first
It’s hardly visible
But the moment you get close
The sensor lasers will warn me so
The next step closer you get
You’ll receive an electric shot
And to my surprise as if that is not enough
You ask me to trust you
You ask me to shut it all down and knock out the wall
You ask me to let you in
You ask me to trust you
But you don’t understand
How can I trust you, when I hardly trust myself
I’ve made too many mistakes too many times
I don’t trust my feelings anymore
I’ve opened up to many with complete conviction
In them only to be disappointed again and again
I give in too easily and open up my heart too soon
So people come in treat my heart like a piñata
Taking a swing at it with a bat made of anger, resentment, and malice
Each swing is merciless resulting in a heart break
From my eyes are the only tears shed
It’s hard picking up the pieces of my heart
When my watery eyes blur my vision
So with my hands I feel around
Bleeding every time a piece is too sharp
And stabs my hands
Once the tears are gone and I wept dry
I grab the pieces I found
And glue them with regret and sorrow
So you see my heart is fragile and my judgment shady
So don’t ask me to trust you
Hope you understand, & not be query
When I’m ready & trust myself
You’ll be the first ill give the cue to

Letting Them In

Strangers knock at my door and as soon
I’ve let them in & at first they are tender
Lifting my hopes up that I may have finally
Found the one but as soon as I’m careless
They beat me senseless to reality’s ground
Forcing me after to wear the bruises in public
Making me the perfect shame display

Some times it did not need to be strangers
It could easily be family members
The people you share a strand of DNA
Who you grown up with and
Seem to know your entire life time
Approach you like in any other ordinary way
And as usual you receive them with open arms
Too blind to see the knife they are hiding
Behind their back
And when you least expect they’ve driven you to
Play a game where they are the butcher
And you are the helpless terrorized creature about to meet your tragic death
Slicing you into fine, tiny pieces of meat
Your blood splashing on their face
And as if nothing wrong has occurred
They take a shower and clean up
Then serve the rest of the family


Their best cooked meal

Dodging Cupid’s Arrows

I am in hiding
From what, you ask
From Cupid
You see, to many, he may seem
As a magical being
Bringing two lost souls
To their loving union
But to me, he’s a vicious creature
Who flaunts his power and deceives people
Making you think that he will finally
Shot his arrow in your direction
But aims to the person behind, in front, or besides you
Or points his bow at you, motioning as if he will shot you
And you fall for it walking around
Giving someone your all
And then become heart broken when
The other person does not return the affection
You were so disillusioned that
You did not notice he only had bow
But not the arrow
You looked like someone suffering of side effects
With no medication

Cupid decides when you get hit by his arrow
He’s always had the upper hand
I have decided that I want no part of it
He will no longer play mind games with me
I am taking control of what’s mine
Love shouldn’t be forced upon you
It should come when you are strong enough to deal with it
Love has to be a reward not a punishment
So here I am hiding against the wall in the dark
In a battle field where it’s raining Cupid’s arrows
And until I’m ready I’ll be dodging them and avoid all the sorrow

She wonders down the street
She wears luxury as tight short dress
She doesn’t even need to try to impress
Temptation is her favorite fragrance 
But on rare occasions she switches it to ambition
Her hips are wide and strong enough to push anyone in her way
Her body is slim but between her neck and flat stomach 
She carries nice big breasts that hang straight up in the air 
Increasing her appeal of pride 
Not that she needed the emphasis 
She lives with no regrets 
She is shameless
She lacks conscious 
She causes others shame and then walks away
She can look into your eyes, just one glance 
And produce a hunger so big that nobody can fill
She can caress you with just one finger
And make you so passionate that you grow blind
She can lean and whisper in your ear 
And become the only voice you hear
And once you’re lured into her spell
She’ll make you her slave
Your life is no longer yours
She is powerful and she knows it 
Her name, Desire
She can drive a man to success 
Or to his own death bed

Not the girl for you

I am not the girl for you but I am in love with you
I know I cannot give you or do all the things your perfect girl can do but I am in love with you & that has to count for something
I know you feel something too but it is my restrictions that yield our chemistry  
The atoms are ready to explode it's instability of protrons & electrons are culminating counting down each second before it's own distruction 
The intensity can no longer hide 
It exposes its self everytime we touch 
The hunger grows in our eyes 
We both want something more
But there is only so much I can give & that isn't enough to satisfy your hunger
Although part of me wants to satisfy you the other part understands that 
Feeding you would be a betrayal to myself
You're the guy for me but do you love me enough to ask of nothing more than I can give you? 
 

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU!

I hate you!
I want you to have a ticking bomb in your brain
That explodes every time you see my face
I want your heart to shred with ever word I say
I want you to cry yourself to sleep every time you see an image of me
I want you to be my punching bag so I can give you my hardest hit & never worry about you hitting back.
I want you to be my slave making sure my every need is met.
I want you to look at me with desire & hope but never expect anything in return.
I want you to be the fool I’ve been

I hate you!
I hate you for the feelings you bring out of me
I want you to suffer
I want you to hurt
I want you to be knocked down to ground
I want you to look at yourself and feel unhappy
I want to you to drown in misery!
I want you to feel what you do to me!

i gave myself to him

I gave myself to him when I was eight
Yea I was young, but he didn’t care
You see I was one of those girls that develops early
Just because I was a virgin didn’t mean I was naïve
I knew he wasn’t one; I mean after all, He had my sister first;
That’s how he got to me, but that’s what made him special,
His experience; he had seen and felt it all
The pain, the passion, the pointlessness
I wanted him; I needed him; I had to have him

I gave myself to him when I was eight
Yea I was young, but he didn’t care
So I opened myself to him
And he, accepted the invitation
And gave me more than I could ask for
He reached my soul to the depth unimaginable
He unlocked my heart and released the pain and
Am not talking about the ache that a doctor
Can heal with surgery; I am talking about a cleansing
He came in and took over. He pushed out all the emotions
Hidden in the corners of my heart, he didn’t just finish there
He dug deeper till he found a treasure chest, I didn’t even know was there
And he opened it and He took his time as he pulled each treasure out, one by one
He didn’t want me just to see, but to look at each one carefully

I gave myself to him when I was eight
Yea I was young, but he didn’t care
He was more than a one night stand;
He gave me more than an intense sensation of pleasure or an orgasm
He gave me an image of myself, I never seen before; a voice to speak of the unspoken
I gave myself to Poetry when I was eight

 & once again I picked the pieces of my heart & became the next best thing to being his lover, I became his friend

Mother Earth is raped, neglected, abused and unappreciated by us. We never take the time to thank her but now she needs more than a thank you, she needs to be taken care of.

Words of wisdom

I don't know what it is, but we all live our lives with constant fear. I am not talking about the fear of death, or anything like that, but the fear of trust. We allow events in our lives, those bad experiences, prevent us from moving on. We have that human instinct to play it safe. After being hurt once, we don't want to hurt anymore. We forget that fear is inevitable; whether we take the chance to open up to someone, or not, we WILL experience pain again. We will feel the misery and loneliness of holding on to those feelings and not letting go. Feeling like no one understands you, or that no one will ever really know you. If you take the risk, yes, you might be betrayed again, but there is also a chance you might not. There is a chance of finding someone you can trust, someone who will be there for you, and encourage you, someone who will REALLY love you for who you REALLY are. Now if you ask me, which choice would I rather go with? It’s that with a possibility. After all, the worst thing that can happen would have happen regardless. Trust is about risk; risk is about hope; hope is about life; life is about finding happiness. In a multitude of misunderstood complexities of life this is by far the most reasonable part of it.
----written by, yours truly, Indira Alvarez <3

                          ---- Indira Alvarez  

They say events in our lives shape us to be who we are but what if so many events in your life have ocurred that lead you with no direction who are we then? 
I don't know what is happening nor do I know why but I know I have to find myself whether it's a reunion or a first time union I do not know that either all I wanna do is look in the mirror and know who is looking back

The obstacles might be hard and the mountain might be steeper than you thought; you think you might have just lost it all, your hopes, your dreams, and your future; You must remember that your legs are still strong , your heart still beats, and you mind sill thinks, so lift those legs up and move them forward however hard it might be to make that first step does not matter because you can and you will; your heart beats to the same rhythm that held that desire and passion and no matter what you do, you will never loose that rush that you get of blood rushing through your veins filled with passion and desire that is enough to keep and feed your determination; your mind still thinks those wonderful thoughts filled with theories and idea that blows anyone mind whom you approach rich with wisdom and knowledge that no matter if your among millions you will shine with hardly any effort; you are more than just one in a million; you are the blue print of beauty, wisdom, strength, perseverance, love, kindness and passion there in no other in the history of humanity like you.

Where were You?

I looked at you helplessly ……you didn’t come
I stretched out my hands……..you didn’t come
I grabbed your arms…..you didn’t even turn around
I whispered to your ear…..you didn’t even blink
I let a tear fall on your head….you didn’t even feel
I yelled for help……you didn’t come
I screamed your name….you didn’t come

I needed you and you weren’t there
I cried in pain and you weren’t there
I trembled in fear and you weren’t there
I suffocated grasping for air and you weren’t there
I crawled in my own pool of blood to you and you weren’t there
As I closed my eyes and took my final breath I see you watch

mother

She thrives every day of her life
She nourishes her children with all she has, the milk on her breast
But her children are never satisfied
She loves them and tries her best to provide
And in exchange they beat her senseless
And hardly ever apologize
But she withstands them with her unconditional love
And in exchange her heart is torn apart as she watches her children
dying
She feels helpless, after all that's the only way they communicate and
their mother never respect
Her cries are getting louder but their ignorance is stronger
Her breaths are shorter but their greed is stronger
Her heart beat is slower but their ambition is stronger
Dead she lies
"mother Earth!”, They cry
But it's too late to apologize