Intervened Hoarder

I am a hoarder. I’d like to believe that everything has meaning so everything holds importance to me. With each and every interaction or life experience there is a memory. And at the end of it all memories is all you have left. So I hold on to everything remembering the moments that meant so much to me. The events that left an imprint in my soul. The objects involved are like artifacts that trigger a specific memory. Objects just take up space. But then there are others that are much worse.

   I hoard people too. I hang on to people that at some point or time had significance in my life. They've helped shape me, taught me, exposed me to new things. Even those that have wronged me I've still manage to hang on.  But hoarding people is a lot of work, you see, they don’t just take space, they take effort & time. They take an emotional toll.

Intervention time has come and I now see my self-inflicted pain. Though they've helped me change, it is because of that very change that they may no longer need to play a role in my life. Sometimes it is that very change that has split us apart. It isn't everyone some people can adjust and handle the change but others just don’t treat me the same. I try to rationalize my grasp of them by weighing our shared history instead of the current role they’re playing. Always initiating while they're never reciprocating. Doubting the value of our relationship. I find myself drowning. No more suffocating. Time to do some social cleansing.

Klutz

I lack the most basic coordinating skills. Not a day goes by where I don’t bump into something, trip or fall. If you know me, you know that getting across the hall is an epic journey. Walking down cracked sidewalks and icy hills are like being in a minefield. I’ve broken bones in my body in the most creative and unexpected forms people could ever fathom. Least to say being a klutz comes with its set of adversities.

And it wasn’t restricted to the physical. As a foreigner, I stumble with words juggling two different languages, getting the meaning mixed up in one and forgetting words completely in another. Figuring out the correct pronunciations of certain words, transitioning from one accent to the other.

Mentally, I fumbled from subject to subject never quite finding a steady consistent train of thought because too many raced through my head.

Emotionally, I fall in and out of moods without grasp of any reasoning.

Being a klutz comes with its set of adversities, but it also has its positive side effects. With every fall to the ground, I’d gained strength to pick myself up. I’ve tripped so many times; I’m now an expert as to how to play it off. I’ve slipped right on my back forcing me to look up and see beyond. So next time, you see me down, don’t worry it won’t be for too long.

Shattered Blue

It started without warning and so naturally neither one of us saw it coming. Our hands acted on our subconscious speaking our souls’ desires and reached out for one another. I retrieved to my habitual reaction of denial. But feelings were too strong, hiding was no longer an option. He felt it too; he sought me out. There was something happening neither one of us no longer could ignore.

 I fought for as long as I could, attempting to rationalize what was happening looking for a loophole.  We spoke out our hidden truths as the sky turned different shades of blue. Liberating each other from our ignorance,we awoke from oblivion with the first declarative kiss. And with one physical expression came another like an over flowing well. Passion was never more palpable. But it was more than the physical, the ecstasy of emotion that was fostered by years confinement and trust. We unravel ourselves and dove into the depth of each others oceans finding treasures neither was aware of.

However, like any well, there is only so much water before it runs dry.  Now the only water flowing was through my eyes. The one who open up a world of possibility, freed my soul and sought me, casted me out. 

It started without warning and so naturally neither one of us saw it coming. our hands acted on our subconscious speaking our souls’ desires. We reached out for one another. We needed each other. We each had lessons for the other to learn. I may not have meant the world to him but I know I help change his just as he has mine.

For Women Who are Difficult to Love

Struggle Reminds

Sometimes, we find ourselves in the most difficult circumstances in which resolutions seem impossible, but it is in the midst of these moments of despair that we are reminded of our strength. Too often we get comfortable when everything is going accordingly. We begin to settle with what we have that we forget how to fight. Our lives transform into a cycle of daily routines that it becomes our security blankets. We stop striving for happiness and instead are satisfied with content. 

Sometimes we find ourselves in the most difficult circumstances in which resolutions seem impossible but it is in the midst of these moments of despair that we are reminded of our strength. Sometimes we need to be reminded how to fight for the things we want and step out of our comfort zone and strive. We need to be reminded to aim for what we know we deserve instead of just taking what society gives us. We need to be reminded what it feels like to want something so bad that failure is not an option because it is those tough times that gave us the strength to get this far. 

Sometimes we need to go through the most difficult circumstances to remind ourselves that we are more than survivors. We are warriors.

Summer part 1 ...maybe lol

This summer, I made all the wrong choices.  I didn't just walk along the lines of fire, I walked right through them. I didn't just flirt with temptation, I took him home with me. I allowed curiosity to be my tour guide and take me to places I've never been.

This summer, I made all the wrong choices. I lifted all the restrictions on my mind and let it ponder onto endless roads of intrigue. Being careful was now a foreign concept. I was on a rebellion roller coaster there was no stoping now. This had nothing to do with peer pressure. I've fought that for so long that I've become immune. Fitting in isn't anything I've ever seem to accomplish & frankly, find pointless trying. This was about me.

This summer, I made all the wrong choices. I stripped myself from righteousness. I walked among my fellow sinners and sinned with them. I held my conscience hostage & hurt my friends. I overdosed caution with toxins. This summer I made all the wrong choices but I don't have any regrets.

In need of a repairman

Why do I fall for those who won't catch me?

Why do I break free from those who want nothing more than to hold me tight?

Why does my needs & wants never match?

There is a malfunction with love's transmitter 

It's misunderstanding the beating of my heart.