For Women Who are Difficult to Love

Struggle Reminds

Sometimes, we find ourselves in the most difficult circumstances in which resolutions seem impossible, but it is in the midst of these moments of despair that we are reminded of our strength. Too often we get comfortable when everything is going accordingly. We begin to settle with what we have that we forget how to fight. Our lives transform into a cycle of daily routines that it becomes our security blankets. We stop striving for happiness and instead are satisfied with content. 

Sometimes we find ourselves in the most difficult circumstances in which resolutions seem impossible but it is in the midst of these moments of despair that we are reminded of our strength. Sometimes we need to be reminded how to fight for the things we want and step out of our comfort zone and strive. We need to be reminded to aim for what we know we deserve instead of just taking what society gives us. We need to be reminded what it feels like to want something so bad that failure is not an option because it is those tough times that gave us the strength to get this far. 

Sometimes we need to go through the most difficult circumstances to remind ourselves that we are more than survivors. We are warriors.

Summer part 1 ...maybe lol

This summer, I made all the wrong choices.  I didn't just walk along the lines of fire, I walked right through them. I didn't just flirt with temptation, I took him home with me. I allowed curiosity to be my tour guide and take me to places I've never been.

This summer, I made all the wrong choices. I lifted all the restrictions on my mind and let it ponder onto endless roads of intrigue. Being careful was now a foreign concept. I was on a rebellion roller coaster there was no stoping now. This had nothing to do with peer pressure. I've fought that for so long that I've become immune. Fitting in isn't anything I've ever seem to accomplish & frankly, find pointless trying. This was about me.

This summer, I made all the wrong choices. I stripped myself from righteousness. I walked among my fellow sinners and sinned with them. I held my conscience hostage & hurt my friends. I overdosed caution with toxins. This summer I made all the wrong choices but I don't have any regrets.

In need of a repairman

Why do I fall for those who won't catch me?

Why do I break free from those who want nothing more than to hold me tight?

Why does my needs & wants never match?

There is a malfunction with love's transmitter 

It's misunderstanding the beating of my heart.

Uploaded videos (playlist)

Human Limitation

I am invincible, until failure crosses my path and knocks me down.

I am flawless, until my imperfections escape the cages I created out of confidence

I am resilient, until pain finds its way in
past the bruises that taint my skin
into the core of my soul where it decides to reside in

I am witty, until my mind encounters a problem manufacturing of comebacks in the assembly line

I am articulate, until the train tracks that transports words from my mouth to my brain all shift lanes and face the same direction.
I am patient, until my comprehension grows weary and convinces desire not to go the extra mile 
I am limited, in almost every capacity except when it comes to my ability to love.

My Grey

You are the gravity that has always kept me grounded

but I never gave a second thought.

You’ve never abandoned me

But I only remember your presence when I fall.

You are my Northern Star leading me to my own Bethlehem.

Guiding me to my glory,

A glory you believe in more than me.

You are the serpent in my Garden of Eden

Persuading with temptation and desire.

You are my guilty pleasure

And my most trusted confidant.

You played so many roles in my life that I’ve lost count.

You’ve been such a constant;

I often overlook calculating you into my life.

My oblivion was finally disrupted by the frustration of my subconscious

It constantly drew me to you

But I never felt its gravitational pull so it pulled harder,

Till my mind could no longer hide our bond under a rug of rationalization.

My body became more impulsive around you.

Caught between a battle of reason and desire my mind grew wild.

You became the guru of my happiness

A safe haven from my woes

A scale, measuring my morality and pleasure

You are the gravity that has always kept me grounded

But I never gave a second thought.

You’ve never abandoned me

But I only remember your presence when I fall.

You are my Northern Star leading me to my own Bethlehem.

Guiding me to my glory,

A glory you believe in more than me.

You are the serpent in my Garden of Eden

Persuading with temptation and desire.

You are my guilty pleasure

And my most trusted confidant.

You are the grey to my black and white world.

You are my vacation destination that distracts me from all my woes

You are the constant that varies in roles

You are the last person I expected to reach my soul

You are the friend I hope to always know

The Cycle of Decease

Not all inheritances are gifts.
And usually they are the ones
When declining, is not a choice.

The woman
That once wore her wrinkles with no shame
That only, skirts, she’d wear
And never revealed her hair
That walked miles and never gasped for air

The woman
Who could never cook a decent meal
Who never hesitated to say how she feels
Who never possessed a luxury that was given
Who bore ten children

She, is now disappearing.
Her pride missing
Her memories fleeting
Her identity shifting

To a girl
Aging beyond her years
Lost in a world she no longer knows
Loosing control of a life that once was hers
Forced to live in fear

The last time my grandmother could remember
She was witness to her husband’s surrender
To the same decease that’s now her offender
She found comfort in his demise
Knowing he and his memories
Would, finally, reunite

Now she waits for her turn to die
My mother, will now be her witness
And she too risk being victim to this sickness

Not all inheritances are gifts.
And usually they are the ones
When declining, is not a choice.

Guerrilla Warfare

I am a guerrilla fighter, fighting a war that began long before my birth. This war was left to me in my ancestor’s will. They were brave warriors that devoted their life to a war they knew its victory they would never see fulfilled.

In this war, we are not many; too few are brave enough to step out of the comfortable ignorance of our oppression. I walk among you but I do not condone your condemnation of those who do not fit into your criteria of what a human being should be. In this battle it’s hard to distinguish your friends from your enemies. The roles of oppressed and oppressor is very interchangeable. Unlike many of you, I am immune to the fog that refuses to allow you to see these same standards you fail to reach.
But sometimes, I wear your arrogance as a disguise and abide your rules of hypocrisy. Judging my brothers and sisters for their uniqueness using their pain as paint to color my own difference and blend into the bland background that protects me from a target. But under this mask of duplicity, I am a warrior who recognizes a target isn’t a target unless it’s a threat. A threat that brings fear to those gets in its way.
I do not assimilate out of fear; I assimilate to infiltrate. I play by the rules of their rigid game. I know that with my dark skin, “nappy” hair, strange brain, empty pockets, and lack of balls between my legs they’ll never see me as a danger. I’m only comforted by the thought that their realization of their misjudgment of me will be the last thing that goes through their minds before I end their lives.
I am a guerrilla fighter, fighting a war that began long before my birth. This war was left to me in my ancestor’s will. They were brave warriors that devoted their life to a war they knew its victory they would never see fulfilled. Now its is up to me to complete this legacy. I fight for justice, understanding, and equality against oppressive ideals of society.

Plea

Forgive me, my developing brothers.
I abandon you to flee into the arms of a greedy land.
You must understand, my intentions were not to cause you harm.
I was one of you; I am a part of you.
I came from struggle, sorrow, & poverty.

I remember when she bore me;
she greeted me with a bright smile on her face, filled with hope.
She nurtured me, feeding me only from her supple breast.
She didn’t have much but what little she did; to me she’d give.
My mother country was good to me.
And how do I repay her?
With betrayal!

Forgive me, my developing brothers.
I abandon you to flee into the arms of a greedy land.
I left with intentions of coming back.
Then I got there and he promised me the world,
Of nothing, I would ever lack.
He was a charmer, you see.
He showered me in luxury.

At first I was overwhelmed with exhilaration,
but as time passed, it became my expectation.
Luxury was my new fascination.
I took what I wanted even if it was more than I needed.
My desires had no limitations.

Forgive me, my developing brothers.
You must understand, my intentions were not to cause you harm.
My ignorance was sustained by the hunger of my greed.
Mother country’s voice, I would sometimes hear,
But the message never reached my ears.

Once I took off my diamond earrings, the sound became clear.
“Where did you get all those pretty things?”
Mother country’s message, I could finally hear.
The answer to her question, I did not know.
I searched for clues in the items he bought me.

Every item had traces of a smell, I knew to well.
The scent of struggle, sorrow, & poverty I could detect.
Promises of life & liberty he preached.
A fighter for justice he, himself, proclaimed.
When truly he was a monster who used lies to hide his shame.

Mother country and her sisters were his slaves.
Enslaved by desperation & manipulation,
Forced to sustain his lifestyle of excess.
And I?
I, I was his accomplice.



By I. Indy Alvarez